iamtheepirate

So...

shivan81@hotmail.com — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 02:31:14 GMT

I have lost 100lbs go me :D

yays

shivan81@hotmail.com — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 01:08:23 GMT

Everything is going fairly well relationship wise :) I wish I would have had a job by now. I will have internet at my place Friday afternoon some time, here that is, remember you guys are like 2-3 hours ahead of me ;p

Miss talking to my friends, take care guys.

Moving

shivan81@hotmail.com — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 15:21:25 GMT

Moving into our new place tonight/tomorrow :) My interview went well methinks!! Don't know how long until I am online again but you wont miss me to much :P

shivan81@hotmail.com — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 20:49:03 GMT

Good bye Minnesota. Hello California on Friday.

Enlightenment

shivan81@hotmail.com — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 23:38:14 GMT

Yayz

shivan81@hotmail.com — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 16:30:05 GMT

So I have some stuff going with what is basically a temp agency thats run by the state, they help people on disability. They are getting some medical records and then I am waiting to hear from them. I filled out an application for a pizza place down a couple blocks and turned it in as well on Friday. Think ill try for the gas station now.

Cool!

shivan81@hotmail.com — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 17:58:24 GMT

So cooooool :) sidewalk chalk art! amazing stuff

http://villageofjoy.com/amazing-3d-sidewalk-art/

shivan81@hotmail.com — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 23:22:11 GMT

How often in my life has something gone right? Not very. I have a few things right now but the biggest one has to be Ryhonna. I don't think I can say I know everything that makes me feel the way I do about her but its amazing.

A game for the Wii...

shivan81@hotmail.com — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 22:07:43 GMT

That I am excited for, hooray perhaps a real good reason to have bought one now!

http://gamevideos.1up.com/video/id/23128

shivan81@hotmail.com — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 17:12:31 GMT

I totally went a month with out caffeine. but i asked for a 12 pack of mountain dew for christmas lol.

What doesnt kill me makes me stronger!

shivan81@hotmail.com — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 18:28:09 GMT

Im out to mix it up and change my complexion
To coat the feelings and cure my depression
A shot of petrol is my bonafide method
To lose control and get thoroughly distracted

Im on the money, here I come
Fuel for my engine, and Im gone

I like to forget why I feel this compulsive
As I toss tomarrows dreams in the garbage
Whats important is a mind thats sicker
Turning jekyll into hyde much quicker

Im on the money, here I come
Fuel for my engine, and Im gone

1,2,3,4,1,2,3,4
Kickstart and turn me over
Punchdrunk, but Im still sober
Fourteen years and a whole lot bolder
And I dont flinch
Hungry and Ill take the best
cause I never wanted anything less
What doesnt kill me makes me stronger

Its like a war inside me, Im good, Im evil
Two sides of the coin and Ive been blessed with both
On one hand I am you, but I dont like you
I guess thats the nature of the way things work

Im on the money, here I come
Fuel for my engine, and Im gone

1,2,3,4,1,2,3,4
Kickstart and turn me over
Punchdrunk, but Im still sober
Bukowskis on my shoulder
With much to think
Hungry and Ill take the best
cause I never wanted anything less
What doesnt kill me makes me stronger
Its like a war inside me, action is all I know
Tell me its suicide, tell me something I dont know

I dont know why Ive been made some kind of hero
When Ive done all I can do to prove Im not
Its amazing to think someone could trust me
Tell me what do you know about me really?
And if you make the mistake of getting close to,
Me, youll just give me all that youve got
So I dont know why Ive been made some kind of hero
When Ive done all I can do to prove Im not

1,2,3,4,1,2,3,4
Kickstart and turn me over
Punchdrunk, but Im still sober
Fourteen years and a whole lot bolder
And I dont flinch
Hungry and Ill take the best
cause I never wanted anything less
What doesnt kill me makes me stronger

1,2,3,4, I cant close this broken door
Its just the nature of the way things work
You wanna be me, I dont give a damn
Anyone can do it but it takes a man not to
Try so hard to give me a real life
Anyone can do it but it takes a man not to
Its just the nature of the way things work

shivan81@hotmail.com — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 01:08:48 GMT

shivan81@hotmail.com — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 09:18:09 GMT

I seriously cant stand fucking living here a moment longer.

shivan81@hotmail.com — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 03:36:23 GMT

So either I am interpreting things wrong or my mom seriously is against me helping myself change my life.

Yesterday I went to a dentist appointment and the talk I had in the car on the way there seemed to me she cared more about saving this house she bought with my grandmother then she is about me moving, being with some one I can honestly say I love and care about and being happy that I want to go to school, work, be responsible and have my own life finally. The way the situation is currently is she is depending on my disability check to make her mortgage payments on the house. She thought it was O.K. to do so a few years ago when she bought this house like I was never going to change.

All of this becomes a problem when she controls things in my life that I should be controlling.
I have to go through a doctor to get approved to be in control of my money. Make sure I am sound of mind. Otherwise I cant spend my disability checks like I want to.

Second I cant drive. I don't have a license. Anything I need transportation for needs to go through her.

I have no privacy. I am in a trap living here with her. I cant stand it any longer and its going to be very hard, perhaps hurting my relationship with my mother to change anything. At this point I am willing to do that. She is willing to sacrifice what I want for what she wants. Then I will just leave her life. I have gave up 8 years of my life already. Am I selfish for wanting something for myself finally?

Second train of thought here. What the fuck is wrong with me? I keep fucking things up with Ryhonna. God I am so fucking stupid. I had such a wonderful time with her. She was more then I ever imagined. I just cant stop fucking things up. When I do I beat myself up like this. I don't make a conscious decision to do this shit to her. It just fucking happens. I don't want to hurt her. I love her so much.

FUCK I HATE MYSELF!!!

I believe in the world right in front of me,
but now, along these empty streets
where this curse holds these memories of a man,
you know he's lost.

No time to think about it. No room to breathe.

If I had a way back, I'd ride through the dark and the door
(but please don't wait for me)
because the man you love don't live anymore.
I can't go home again.

Tonight you'll sleep.
You'll feel what might become of me, my dear.
Within these end old days where this longing turns
this man to pray and a love begins to die.

No time to live in the deep, girl,
I'm worth the second chance. (What have I done?!)
No time to think about it, no room to breathe!

If I had a way back, I'd ride through the dark and the door
(but please don't wait)
because the man you love don't live anymore.
I can't go home again.

I believed in the world, once in front of me, well, now that's gone.

If I had the way back, I'd ride through the dark and the door
(but please don't wait for me)
because the man you love don't live anymore.

I can't go home again.

Bye, goodbye. Bye, my dear.

Love!

shivan81@hotmail.com — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 01:07:17 GMT

<3 Ryhonna, miss you already

California

shivan81@hotmail.com — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 03:52:48 GMT

On Sunday!!! wooo be there til the 11th

I fly out just a lil before 6 tomorrow evening and will be landing at roughly 9:30 in Bakersfield!!! woot woot

Ride the spiral to the end

shivan81@hotmail.com — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 02:34:59 GMT

Next Friday is my last night in Alexandria for awhile as hopefully I will be staying in California. I hope I can appease her and her family, especially her father. It is important to me, because I will prove to myself that I am changing, can change, and will be what I want to be. Not only that but it will also probably ease her family and friends concerns about me, rightfully so.

I love Ryhonna. I don't want to let her down, or me most of all.

an update..

shivan81@hotmail.com — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 00:29:35 GMT

ID should be here any time soon. I have to take my mother's control off of my SSD. I am hopefully moving in a few weeks out of Alexandria. I will need to get started on a job once there. Find a place to live as well. Get schooling started, take some adult education classes to get refreshed before going to college.

I am not even scared of any of that anymore. I am scared of losing Ryhonna more then anything if I fuck up or don't make it there soon. I know you will read this but that fear wont go away until I am there. I can live with out her but...life just wont be the same with out her. My past with her is the strength I have, the building blocks for me changing into what I feel I should be. She's pointed me in the right direction to see what no one else ever has shown me and to find out for myself what I can be and has shown me that I can do this for myself.

I cant prove my love to her fully until I get to see her and be with her, and that hurts the most.

shivan81@hotmail.com — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 01:54:03 GMT

I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket
I lean against the wind
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy...happy
I wish you were here
I lay my head into the sand
The sky resembles a backlit canopy with holes punched in it
I'm counting UFO's
I signal them with my lighter
And in this moment I am happy...happy
I wish you were here
The world's a roller coaster and I am not strapped in
Maybe I should hold with care but my hands are busy in the air

shivan81@hotmail.com — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 02:47:46 GMT

Hell must know
there have been worse things I've done,
I hold out these hands to receive the sum
Purge these days
Will we accept the things we must?
The world will now learn of change to come...or no world

Wait! There's never been a mess like this.
Oh, no more hands to hold.
When the page turns tomorrow with the hurt to give up.
Curse us as God has (sold us)
Believe me, Hell has no room for your crime.
So beat me, till the blood and the bone finds our end near.

Bye, bye world, or will our hope still hold on?
Boy, you're never going see,
The things that will come of these (days.)
Raise your hands high!
Young brothers and sisters,
There's a world's worth of work and a need for you.
Oh, a change is coming, feel these doors now closing in.
Is there no world for tomorrow, if we wait for today?

So march to the drumming, show them you're coming.
You've been their play toy.
Cut to the carving,
Bleed them 'til robbing.
Enough! They'll take no more.

You've been given all the power, boy.
Now go and make your move.
Curse us, these Gods, aren't faking.
Have mercy on the cowards, boy.
They'll pray to have you lose.
Help us, this world's now breaking.

So now they've noticed all you've given in sound.
Let us in. Let us in.
Give me love over life, the sweet soft of ground.
Let us in. Let us in now.

Bye, bye world, or will our hope still hold on?
Boy, you're never going see,
The things that will come of these (days.)
Raise your hands high!
Young brothers and sisters,
There's a world's worth of work and a need for you.
Oh, a change is coming, feel these doors now closing in.
Is there no world for tomorrow, if we wait for today?

So march to the drumming, show them you're coming.
You've been their play toy.
Cut to the carving,
Bleed them 'til robbing.
Enough! They'll take no more.

In the light we'll sing, as all hurt must bring.
In the falling cusp of all broken things.
In the coming dusk, you will call on us and unite we must.
I'm the Crowing!

You all think you've figured me out. Do as I say!
Your words mean nothing at all, so now I lay.
I said, "Come, Momma! Come, Momma! As I need."
I said, "Come, Momma! Come, Momma! We'll watch you bleed."

What did I do to deserve all of this?
What did I do to deserve all of you?

Raise your hands high!
Young brothers and sisters,
There's a world's worth of work and a need for you.
Oh, a change is coming, feel these doors now closing in.
Is there no world for tomorrow, if we wait for today?

Bye, bye world. Or will our hope still hold on?

more pictures!

shivan81@hotmail.com — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 00:48:24 GMT

Rija's new hair! :P

Spirit Wolves!

My Black Orc for live Warhammer in his shiney new cloak :D

shivan81@hotmail.com — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 04:16:33 GMT

I want to learn to play drums

Waaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

shivan81@hotmail.com — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 04:13:34 GMT

Khanturtmeh! Black Orc

Kifat! Shaman

Eats the fear. Eats the pain

shivan81@hotmail.com — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 05:02:30 GMT

I has my birth certificate. You can has cheezeburgah now. After I get a job and can buy you one! :p

Wide eyed and hopeful

shivan81@hotmail.com — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 22:27:58 GMT

I love Tool.